“I’m so stressed!” Have you ever said those words to your spouse? We have! Stress is a natural and recurrent aspect of life, but sometimes life seems more overwhelming than usual.
2024 was a particularly stressful year for us. We faced some health issues. Our extended family experienced a tragedy and Heidi’s dad passed away. It was tough. As we’ve faced stress in over 41 years of marriage, we’ve learned some important lessons on how to deal with it.
So how do you and your spouse face trying times and stay unified when you’re both stressed out? Here are some principles that we think may be useful for any couple navigating a stressful season:
1. Don’t isolate.
Hebrews 10:25 tells us “…let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another…” One of our dearest friends has been diagnosed with cancer. It’s a long, grinding road and we’ve had the opportunity to share in their pain because they are members of our small group. Our small group has listened, cried, loved, and prayed with our friends. Had our friends chosen to isolate themselves they would have missed out on the hope, advice, encouragement, and prayers these friends have given to them. If you don’t have a small group, find community with your church, neighbors, and your friends.
2. Focus on today.
Some stress is short-lived and will be over in a few hours or days. But other sources of angst, like financial troubles or health issues, are ongoing. What can you and your spouse do today to reduce pressure? What are your priorities for today? We’ve discovered anticipating stress can help us be more efficient. When you’re stressed, recognize it may take twice as long to accomplish a task. We do more when we have the energy. We pay our bills before they’re due. We make sure our clothes are ready to wear the night before the event. Then we’re not adding stress to stress. (Matthew 6:14: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”)
3. Hire (and accept) help.
If a friend or co-worker offers to help you and your spouse, take them up on their offer. Allow others the opportunity to minister to you and your family. You may also consider hiring a lawn service, babysitter, or housecleaner. Think about having your groceries delivered. Anything that can help life be less complicated can reduce your stress level.
4. Connect with your spouse.
During your stressful season you will need to strategize your situation, seek wise advice, vent, grieve, and also take a break. Be sensitive as you navigate these needs with your spouse. Ask yourselves, “What triggers our stress?” “Are we (or one of us) exaggerating?” “Can we change this and if so, how?”
It’s important to be realistic about your expectations and abilities. You may find that one spouse is more resilient or stronger on a given day and so they pick up more of the responsibilities for a time. It’s also important to take a break from the pressure together. Get adequate rest for your body – and your mind. Stream a show, walk, go out to dinner, play a game, or do something for someone in need.
5. Stick closely to your routine.
Get up each morning, eat, shower, and get dressed. Eat meals with your spouse. Don’t use the stress as an excuse for not reading your Bible, spending time with your spouse, meeting your friends, taking care of your body, or praying. Life will feel more “normal” if you continue your usual activities. In Daniel 6:10 when Daniel is faced with certain death for disobeying a law the king decreed, the Bible tells us Daniel “went home and knelt down as usual…He prayed three times a day just as he had always done…” At a time of massive stress in his life, Daniel did what he had always done. He stuck to his routine and prayed. Even the threat of death didn’t stop him.
6. Pray together and ask others to pray for you.
When you’re stressed it can be hard to pray. Recently I (Heidi) started using a book with a prayer for the morning and a prayer for the evening. It’s especially useful when I can’t seem to focus or don’t know exactly what words to say because – I am still praying. All I have to do is read the words, preferably out loud, and agree with them. As a couple, continue to pray together. Perhaps one of you prays aloud while the other is silent or you both pray out loud together. Or you could use Scripture to pray for each other. The Bible tells us in Psalms “Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.”
Surround yourself with friends and family who will pray for you during your stressful seasons. Knowing that others are lifting you up as a couple to the Father is a source of hope and encouragement as you build your marriage.