John and Sara believe that unity in their marriage means they have to agree on everything. They love to say yes to one another. Neither of them are ever comfortable saying no to each other. They avoid “no.”
Another couple, Matt and Amanda, believe it’s fine to say no to each other. For them, it actually creates greater intimacy. They feel like they have a solid marriage even though they tell each other no. Which couple is right? Is it okay to tell your spouse no?
Here are four reasons why we believe it’s beneficial to tell your spouse no. Using the word “no” in your marriage…
1. Fosters honesty and transparency.
You may be uncomfortable saying no at first. But when you express your true values or feelings about something it creates greater intimacy. You know each other better. You understand each other deeply. You are more vulnerable. You connect in a deeper way.
When you say no, explain your reasoning and why you respectfully disagree with your spouse. These insights empower you to know each other’s heart and thinking, thus increasing understanding and intimacy.
2. Establishes appropriate boundaries.
Maybe you tell your spouse no because the timing of their request is off. Or perhaps you’re just too drained to make a major decision at the moment. This type of no doesn’t necessarily mean no forever. Instead, it means no for right now.
Often we see this in the area of sexual intimacy. A spouse is tired, sick, or overwhelmed so they don’t feel like being sexually intimate. Okay. Tomorrow is a new day so focus on a fresh opportunity. (We believe sexual intimacy is an important indicator of a healthy marriage so if your spouse almost always resists sexual intimacy that’s a red flag to be addressed. (You can find help here and you can read our article on sex in marriage here.)
3. Protects you from enabling dysfunction or abuse.
Although you can’t control your spouse, you are responsible for your reactions. Saying no to sin or abuse lets your spouse know that these behaviors won’t be tolerated. When you say no to sin or abuse you signal to your spouse that you are worthy of respect and you are valued. Never allow yourself or your children to be harmed by your spouse.
A healthy marriage is a safe marriage.
If your spouse can’t honor your no then your marriage isn’t safe and it’s time to get professional help. Author Leslie Vernick says, “A healthy marriage requires safety and trust on both sides in order to flourish. When one person in the marriage isn’t allowed to voice what [they] like or don’t like, what [they] want or don’t want, or the freedom to say no to things, the relationship is not safe.”
4. Enables you to obey God’s commands.
Everyone gets tempted. And every couple faces temptation.
You may be tempted as a couple to overspend, tell a lie, envy God’s blessings to others, drink too much, watch porn, or engage in some other type of sin. We know of spouses who have encouraged their spouse to disobey God and his commands.
If your spouse tries to influence you toward something that would be disobeying what you know is right, then say no with confidence. You can explain why you don’t agree with their rationale and if possible offer another solution or alternative. Perhaps your strength will protect your spouse from incurring consequences of poor choices.
In marriage we all like to hear an enthusiastic yes, but sometimes it’s with a definitive no that you truly build your marriage.