Have you ever watched your spouse struggle to complete a task or put off something you know they need to do? This is a common issue in marriage. Procrastination may cause resentment, frustration, tension, and conflict in your marriage. According to The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 20-25% of adults struggle with chronic procrastination. This means you aren’t alone, if it’s an issue in your marriage.
If your spouse procrastinates, what are some ways you can reduce procrastination in your marriage?
1. Acknowledge it exists.
The only way to improve is to recognize there’s an issue and consider some reasons behind it. Perhaps your spouse doesn’t want to do a certain task or they’re not sure how to do it. It could be that they have a fear of failure (or success). Maybe they were raised in an environment where perfectionism was esteemed and failures condemned. Your spouse may struggle with anxiety, perfectionism, childhood abuse, ADHD, or mental health issues. Encourage them to seek professional help. Understanding the root cause can defuse the tension and help you bring grace to your spouse while working toward solutions.
2. Set a deadline.
Instead of saying, “Let’s get that _____ (household issue) repaired sometime,” agree on a specific date (or time). “Let’s have that repaired by September 1st.” It can also be empowering for your spouse to ask them to set a realistic deadline. Once the deadline is set, talk about the benefits of completing the project like, “Then we can enjoy our new flooring before we move.”
3. Break the task down to incremental pieces.
For example, we have a basement with lots of junk in it. Often we feel overwhelmed by the amount of purging we need to do. But we’ve discovered that if we take 20-30 minutes (you can set a timer) on a weekend we can accomplish a lot over time. Likewise, if you’re planning a trip, plan your airfare one night and your hotels the next instead of trying to do it all at once and feeling overwhelmed.
It’s also helpful to use a shared calendar, whiteboard, or sticky notes to stay on track. The visual reminders provide accountability and greater likelihood of completion. If it’s a complicated project, you may need four or five deadlines along the way.
4. Work together.
When struggling with a difficult undertaking, it often helps your spouse when you are physically present. Organize the closet together. Set up your budget together. Sit with your spouse as they make the dreaded phone call or reconcile the bank account. Go with them to their appointment. Respect them if they want to tackle the project on their own–perhaps that will provide a greater sense of accomplishment. Your ultimate goal is forward progress and completion. One question we ask each other is, “How can I help you get this done?”
5. Reward yourselves.
Once you’ve met your deadline and completed the task–celebrate! Go out for ice-cream, watch a show, take an afternoon off, or depending on the project, go away for an overnight. Make sure your incentive is motivating for you both.
Let’s say you try all of the above ideas and your spouse continues to procrastinate. You have four options:
- Discuss the issue with your spouse. Perhaps you are the one to complete the task.
- Continue to give grace as your spouse eventually completes it.
- Hire someone else to do it. Say, “What’s a reasonable time for the completion of this? If it’s not finished by then, I (or we) can hire someone to complete it.”
- Don’t do anything. If the outcome mainly affects the procrastinator they may have to learn by facing uncomfortable or painful consequences.
Finally, affirm them when it’s appropriate. Offer forgiveness and grace. Your marriage is ultimately more important than the task list at hand. Pray for your spouse as you tackle procrastination and build your marriage.